Life in America 3
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These stories and "news" items have been collected from several columns published elsewhere. The dates indicate when first published.
Iowa City, IA – Dumpster raccoon autopsy shocking.
An autopsy was performed on a raccoon found by fast food manager Todd Price late Sunday (he works for the largest international chain). The carcass, found behind the fast food restaurant on Main Street, was in perfect health, except for one thing. “It had clogged arteries,” said county examiner Brad Wilcox. “Too many cheese burgers, I guess”, he added.
Chicago, IL—Blues star Luther King, 69, says he still got his mojo workin’. He sings about it every Friday night at one of several near North side clubs. However, he does take viagra as well, just in case.
Knoxville, TN -- Man forced to visit bank for Visa card.
Ted Brower, recently employed after being unemployed for half a year, was thinking of getting a credit card again. After waiting for applications in his junk mail for a week, he finally gave up and went to his bank. "When I had a good job, the junk mail had two or three credit card deals every day", he added.
Manchester, MO -- Month after month, CD and Book Universe employees install new CDs into store listening stations. More than half of the listening stations don't work.
Employee Cathy Gibbons informs us that "the manager, like, checks that we do it, even though he knows half of them don't work anymore. Whatever."
Cincinnati, OH-- Rush hour traffic slowed down only slightly in the opposite direction, as drivers viewed the cause of a traffic jam. "It's just another SUV rolled over, although this one was kind of neat, it was still on its roof. But we see these SUVs roll over every week," stated an unnamed driver.
Kansas City, MO – Penis Extending and Fatigue Fighting pills found to be the same.
Researchers at Consumer Advocate Inc. have analyzed pills labeled for these two indications by the same nutrition supplement manufacturer, Health Life International. Tested on female volunteers, neither pill produced ill effect for two weeks. Volunteers were also able to operate heavy machinery while taking the pills. They were also safe in men in a smaller study, and theyn were able to attempt to enlarge their penises at any time with no measurable effects.
Indianapolis, IN-- The Pleasant Meadow subdivision celebrated the oldest family there at the recent block party. The Smith family received the plaque and honor for living 5 years there. "Two of our four children were even born while we lived here," said Carla Smith. Hunters Meadow is a relocating families community with an average stay of 3.5 years. The homes come in 4 floor plans. Several homes have been sold three times in their 9-year existence, some by the same real estate agent.
Philadelphia, P.A.—Researchers working for the National Academy of Science discover that AMERICANS ARE DOING THEIR PART for the earth. Astoundingly, we are storing one billion metric tons of fat in our butts, removing it from the food chain, and thus, stopping its conversion to CO2. Now, if we could only design small, wide cars, for wide butts.
Philadelphia, PA-- On Fresh Air, NPR, Terry Gross interviews first republican artist in her long radio career. Bud Winchester described his Western art and his deep understanding of animals. "First I photograph them, the I shoot them again, for real. Then I sketch the proud animal from the Polaroid. Then, as I finish the artwork, I eat them. I love animals."
Washington, D.C. – Bush rejects metric system. After a visit to the Bureau of Standards, George W. Bush set a team to work deleting metric units from US products. A cost saving is also involved, as we will no longer need two sets of standards. Though they agree that the metric system has it is merits (it is used world wide), they declare that it is fundamentally flawed. Freedom loving Americans will still be allowed to buy metric yard sticks, but balances will only be in pounds and ounces, as grams seem to be used for weighing illegal drugs. Thus your box of cereal weighing 17 oz (1 lb 1 0z) will no longer have the 482g displayed on the box. For those Americans already used to the metric system, government subsidized converting calculators will be available for converting to traditional American units.
Hollywood, CA—Goldie Hawn appears in 365th ladies’ magazine article. In this article, as in all the others, are mentioned daughter Kate Hudson, partner Kurt Russel, son Wyatt, a list of movies including the pivotal Private Benjamin, Swing Shift (where she met mate Russel in a work-place romance), her go go dancer past, Cactus Flower and Walter Matthau, her supporting Oscar, First Wives, her father dying 1982, her good loks for her age, and as an added feature her TV movie production When Billie Beat Bobby (Bille Jean King, Bobby Riggs). Also mentioned wer Death Becomes Her and a TNT movie, Hope. Goldie posed for a picture in a slinky red dress, but declined an interview, as the material was all well known to the reporter. Her manager reviewed the draft.
Boise, ID—Local religious fanatic finds sex much the same as befire. This was the recent widower's (Thomas) conclusion, after marrying a widow Alice from their sect, who had no children but was otherwise similar to his deceased wife Thelma. They hope to have 4 more children to add to his 2.
Earth -- Reporting by satellite from the local solar system by Zoogz Rift, Daily Galaxy reporter.
Though hardly of personal interest to the reader, a war situation appears to be imminent. A leader, chosen by somewhat democratic means, on the continent called North America is pushing for air strikes on a less developed country, Iraq, on a continent that is densely populated in nearby states. The weapons will be of interest to those studying primitive cultures. Through the known galaxy, such weapons have been banned from local planets for several generations now. The planetary council, called UN, has been ineffective at controlling either nation.
The planet in question has not been able to control the population of the one developed species on Earth. Academics argue that wars, undesirable on developed planets, would actually help control populations on these primitive planets.
Galactic Council is debating whether to allow an unmanned probe to land on Earth to monitor the situation. Daily Galaxy will also support grant proposals by academics applying to study the conflict from a closer observation point in the local solar system.
Buffalo, NY-- Insurance man makes bag lunch in hurry.
A group of Mutual Home insurance agents were scheduled for a full day of training at a youth camp. The morning of the course they all received phone calls to make a sack lunch, as the caterer was seriously ill. Bradley Huffington III hastily prepared a lunch with his kids, from available supplies. At the youth camp, he bought a Pepsi from a vending machine, the last can apparently. Others were stuck with Dr Pepper. He then opened his bag to find the peanut butter, cheese and jelly sandwich prepared by Amy, age 11, as well as a mini box of raisins and a ziplock bag with teddy grahams, nuts and gummy worms, prepared by Scot, age 7. He was able to fish out the gummy worms and trade them with Mitch Johnson for a banana. Mitch had arrived with four bananas and an apple in his bag, all he could find that morning.
Boise, ID --Area Christian names child Luke.
Moses Schmidt, 48, father of Matthew(18), Mark(17), John(16), Rachel(15), Thea(13), Mary(11) and Tiffany(9) decided that their new child was the answer to his prayers for Luke, to complete the Gospel theme. The girl, Luke Catherine Schmidt, was baptized Sunday in a private ceremony at the Schmidt ranch.
Rapid City, SD – Wino unable to find skid row.
Local alcoholic Brad Findlay, recently converted to alcoholism, was unable to locate just where exactly the skid row is. He has only been homeless for a week, and his car (no gas) still runs, but he just sleeps in it. Brad looked on Main St. where the bars are and near the jail house, but had no luck.
“I guess I’ll have to somehow make it to Minneapolis. I may siphon some gas to get there. Over there I’ll be able to hang out with more of my kind in homeless shelters and pan-handle on corners. I could even sell my body, since there is no market for that here. That might be cool.” Brad also mentioned Denver as a possibility.
Copyright Esa Järvi 2004
Iowa City, IA – Dumpster raccoon autopsy shocking.
An autopsy was performed on a raccoon found by fast food manager Todd Price late Sunday (he works for the largest international chain). The carcass, found behind the fast food restaurant on Main Street, was in perfect health, except for one thing. “It had clogged arteries,” said county examiner Brad Wilcox. “Too many cheese burgers, I guess”, he added.
Chicago, IL—Blues star Luther King, 69, says he still got his mojo workin’. He sings about it every Friday night at one of several near North side clubs. However, he does take viagra as well, just in case.
Knoxville, TN -- Man forced to visit bank for Visa card.
Ted Brower, recently employed after being unemployed for half a year, was thinking of getting a credit card again. After waiting for applications in his junk mail for a week, he finally gave up and went to his bank. "When I had a good job, the junk mail had two or three credit card deals every day", he added.
Manchester, MO -- Month after month, CD and Book Universe employees install new CDs into store listening stations. More than half of the listening stations don't work.
Employee Cathy Gibbons informs us that "the manager, like, checks that we do it, even though he knows half of them don't work anymore. Whatever."
Cincinnati, OH-- Rush hour traffic slowed down only slightly in the opposite direction, as drivers viewed the cause of a traffic jam. "It's just another SUV rolled over, although this one was kind of neat, it was still on its roof. But we see these SUVs roll over every week," stated an unnamed driver.
Kansas City, MO – Penis Extending and Fatigue Fighting pills found to be the same.
Researchers at Consumer Advocate Inc. have analyzed pills labeled for these two indications by the same nutrition supplement manufacturer, Health Life International. Tested on female volunteers, neither pill produced ill effect for two weeks. Volunteers were also able to operate heavy machinery while taking the pills. They were also safe in men in a smaller study, and theyn were able to attempt to enlarge their penises at any time with no measurable effects.
Indianapolis, IN-- The Pleasant Meadow subdivision celebrated the oldest family there at the recent block party. The Smith family received the plaque and honor for living 5 years there. "Two of our four children were even born while we lived here," said Carla Smith. Hunters Meadow is a relocating families community with an average stay of 3.5 years. The homes come in 4 floor plans. Several homes have been sold three times in their 9-year existence, some by the same real estate agent.
Philadelphia, P.A.—Researchers working for the National Academy of Science discover that AMERICANS ARE DOING THEIR PART for the earth. Astoundingly, we are storing one billion metric tons of fat in our butts, removing it from the food chain, and thus, stopping its conversion to CO2. Now, if we could only design small, wide cars, for wide butts.
Philadelphia, PA-- On Fresh Air, NPR, Terry Gross interviews first republican artist in her long radio career. Bud Winchester described his Western art and his deep understanding of animals. "First I photograph them, the I shoot them again, for real. Then I sketch the proud animal from the Polaroid. Then, as I finish the artwork, I eat them. I love animals."
Washington, D.C. – Bush rejects metric system. After a visit to the Bureau of Standards, George W. Bush set a team to work deleting metric units from US products. A cost saving is also involved, as we will no longer need two sets of standards. Though they agree that the metric system has it is merits (it is used world wide), they declare that it is fundamentally flawed. Freedom loving Americans will still be allowed to buy metric yard sticks, but balances will only be in pounds and ounces, as grams seem to be used for weighing illegal drugs. Thus your box of cereal weighing 17 oz (1 lb 1 0z) will no longer have the 482g displayed on the box. For those Americans already used to the metric system, government subsidized converting calculators will be available for converting to traditional American units.
Hollywood, CA—Goldie Hawn appears in 365th ladies’ magazine article. In this article, as in all the others, are mentioned daughter Kate Hudson, partner Kurt Russel, son Wyatt, a list of movies including the pivotal Private Benjamin, Swing Shift (where she met mate Russel in a work-place romance), her go go dancer past, Cactus Flower and Walter Matthau, her supporting Oscar, First Wives, her father dying 1982, her good loks for her age, and as an added feature her TV movie production When Billie Beat Bobby (Bille Jean King, Bobby Riggs). Also mentioned wer Death Becomes Her and a TNT movie, Hope. Goldie posed for a picture in a slinky red dress, but declined an interview, as the material was all well known to the reporter. Her manager reviewed the draft.
Boise, ID—Local religious fanatic finds sex much the same as befire. This was the recent widower's (Thomas) conclusion, after marrying a widow Alice from their sect, who had no children but was otherwise similar to his deceased wife Thelma. They hope to have 4 more children to add to his 2.
Earth -- Reporting by satellite from the local solar system by Zoogz Rift, Daily Galaxy reporter.
Though hardly of personal interest to the reader, a war situation appears to be imminent. A leader, chosen by somewhat democratic means, on the continent called North America is pushing for air strikes on a less developed country, Iraq, on a continent that is densely populated in nearby states. The weapons will be of interest to those studying primitive cultures. Through the known galaxy, such weapons have been banned from local planets for several generations now. The planetary council, called UN, has been ineffective at controlling either nation.
The planet in question has not been able to control the population of the one developed species on Earth. Academics argue that wars, undesirable on developed planets, would actually help control populations on these primitive planets.
Galactic Council is debating whether to allow an unmanned probe to land on Earth to monitor the situation. Daily Galaxy will also support grant proposals by academics applying to study the conflict from a closer observation point in the local solar system.
Buffalo, NY-- Insurance man makes bag lunch in hurry.
A group of Mutual Home insurance agents were scheduled for a full day of training at a youth camp. The morning of the course they all received phone calls to make a sack lunch, as the caterer was seriously ill. Bradley Huffington III hastily prepared a lunch with his kids, from available supplies. At the youth camp, he bought a Pepsi from a vending machine, the last can apparently. Others were stuck with Dr Pepper. He then opened his bag to find the peanut butter, cheese and jelly sandwich prepared by Amy, age 11, as well as a mini box of raisins and a ziplock bag with teddy grahams, nuts and gummy worms, prepared by Scot, age 7. He was able to fish out the gummy worms and trade them with Mitch Johnson for a banana. Mitch had arrived with four bananas and an apple in his bag, all he could find that morning.
Boise, ID --Area Christian names child Luke.
Moses Schmidt, 48, father of Matthew(18), Mark(17), John(16), Rachel(15), Thea(13), Mary(11) and Tiffany(9) decided that their new child was the answer to his prayers for Luke, to complete the Gospel theme. The girl, Luke Catherine Schmidt, was baptized Sunday in a private ceremony at the Schmidt ranch.
Rapid City, SD – Wino unable to find skid row.
Local alcoholic Brad Findlay, recently converted to alcoholism, was unable to locate just where exactly the skid row is. He has only been homeless for a week, and his car (no gas) still runs, but he just sleeps in it. Brad looked on Main St. where the bars are and near the jail house, but had no luck.
“I guess I’ll have to somehow make it to Minneapolis. I may siphon some gas to get there. Over there I’ll be able to hang out with more of my kind in homeless shelters and pan-handle on corners. I could even sell my body, since there is no market for that here. That might be cool.” Brad also mentioned Denver as a possibility.
Copyright Esa Järvi 2004
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