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Esan jenkkiuutiset

EsaJii kirjoitti noin 22 vuotta sitten (2 kommenttia)
Onhan nää jo esillä Njetissäkin, mutta tässä osa lyhyttä fikionaalista kirjallisuutta:

Uutisjuttuja Amerikasta III
satiiria
I have attempted to come up with similar material in Finnish. Maybe a few to start off with, but these will be in the Njet discussion section.

Rapid City, SD – Wino unable to find skid row.

Local alcoholic Brad Findlay, recently converted to alcoholism, was unable to locate just where exactly the skid row is. He has only been homeless for a week, and his car (no gas) still runs, but he just sleeps in it. Brad looked on Main St. where the bars are and near the jail house, but had no luck.

“I guess I’ll have to somehow make it to Minneapolis. I may siphon some gas to get there. Over there I’ll be able to hang out with more of my kind in homeless shelters and pan-handle on corners. I could even sell my body, since there is no market for that here. That might be cool.” Brad also mentioned Denver as a possibility.

Brad’s high school buddy Norman offered him some hourly work, but Brad insisted on being independent.

Tallahassee, FL – Teenager forced to listen to burned CD’s.

Fred Lamphrey, 18, was forced to take a portable CD player and start listening to the 300 CDR’s he burned over the last two semesters from friends and down-loads. This came about when his CD burner quit working. “Some of these starting out bands give out free songs, and most of them are crap. But I have all this cool stuff from the 60s, like the Dead, Yes, Cream and even bands that sing like in French or something. One is Russian, I think. But the 60s were really cool, psychedelic. My dad just had The Monkees and Beach Boys and the usual Stones and Beatles. I burned those too, over Christmas break.”

St. Paul, MN – Pagan scouts expel atheist.

Carl Johnson, son of an atheist and an agnostic was expelled Saturday, after refusing to take part in a Spiral Scouts full moon ritual. Cathy McCarthy, Spiral Scouts leader stated he had broken his pledge “to serve all my brothers and sisters in every way” on numerous occasions. “Cathy Johnson, his mother, has taken part in many New Age activities with me, so I thought I would give him a chance. However, he has no real interest in pagan traditions. He has no pagan belief badges earned after a year.” The leader says she has had better luck with Christian children, even.

Nashville, TN – Teenager donates $100 to Bush campaign.

Dwight Zachary, 19, put aside $100 from his first paycheck at a full time job for donating to President Bush’s future presidential campaign. “Before, politics was just talk. With Bush, I will be getting some bang for my buck. I can’t wait to see what evil doer’s ass we are going to kick next. Plus, he already is president, so I know what I’m getting for my dollar. No way would I donate to some democratic bozos like Gephardt, even if they support the war.” Dwight was going to spend a few days finding where to send the money.

Frankfurt, Germany -- Two teenagers really into blues

Jurgen Meinhof and Detlev Bader, gymnasium students, spend most of their after school time playing old blues CDs and LPs, and playing along with acoustic guitars. Jokingly, they refer to themselves as the Bader-Meinhof Blues Band.

Jurgen spent his childhood in Atlanta until his mother's divorce, so he is fluent in English, helping Detlev interpret the lyrics. Detlev is the better guitarist and both attempt to sing. "When the train left the station", Jurgen immediately associated the song with his baby leaving, though it was for an exchange year in the US by plane. Jurgen sent her presents and a short list of blues records for her to find. Instead, she "done him wrong" and apparently lost her virginity to an high school foot ball player.

Detlev feels empathy to the blues songs as well, as Uschi, girl friend for three weeks, left him when "he was not serious about his future". Detlev felt he could just "lay down and die." Instead, the boys obtained some beer and jammed until 3 AM Friday, when Jurgen's mom went to spend a week end with a new boyfriend. Jurgen tried earlier to play some blues records for mom, but the new boyfriend was apparently only into modern dance music.

Columbus, Ohio – Old timers skip usual subject.

Old timers Al Rengo and Bud Tillins met Thursday night at the corner bar for a beer, as usual (their wives make them go to bingo Fridays, so they meet Thursdays). For the first time since…since either can remember..neither brought up comparison of things today to how they used to be. How cars aren’t really cars anymore, with chokes and clutches and carburetors. And tire inner tubes, Al remembers from when he was a kid. How food made from store bought supplies just does not make good food anymore. (“It’s all them chemicals”). How these New Age folks aren’t nothing to the hippies Al and Bud used to know. Some even worked for Al for a while. Even soldiers and weapons aren’t what they used to be, they are just like video games now. How the enemies could all be trusted to be commies.

How computers may be better now, but it’s only because people have boring lives that they need them now. How you can’t tell democrats from republicans anymore. Not to mention chewing tobacco.

Al and Bud know things aren’t what they used to be. They just didn’t bring it up this Thursday. Al gave it a thought as he left the tavern, but soon forgot it, as his prostate has been bothering him more lately.

Bozeman, MT -- Third grader becomes devoted recycler.

Traci Johnson of Woodhill Elementary has really taken to this spring's recycling lesson. She brings cereal boxes to school to recycle, collects newspapers from trash cans in the city, and has started drinking a lot of Aquafina water. She claimed tap water was bad, but her mother Jeannie, a hippie at one time, was unable critisize her daughter for her eagerness. And as she was not filling more than two recycling bins for the family, there was no extra charge from the city recycling service.

Springfield, MO -- Game sits on shelf since Christmas.

The Davenport family received a Sponge Bob Square Pants "Splash and Roll" gave for Christmas. Dad Bob was still sleepy and did not get thru the instructions. Mom Sheila came and looked at the six cute Sponge Bobs, used as dice, and commented "this reminds me of Pigout." Nobody else knew what that was. The game was laid out, and Roy and Barbara made a few moves with the octupuses, but had no idea what to do with Gary on his own little track.

That evening, Sheila collected the pieces and placed it on the shelf, where it moved to the bottom of the stack in a few weeks, and has not been touched. Sheila thought it would make a $2 yard sale item.

Baghdad, Irak -- Weapons of mass destruction flushed.

Saddam Hussein personnally supervised, gas mask on, as three of his assistants flushed down the four remaining gallons of anthrax and other toxins from two of the palace toilets. Bleach was sprayed in the entire area, and then the four men took showers in other bath rooms.

April 21, 2003, Baghdad, Iraq -- First Taco Bell opens.

Store manager Ed Billings said that "we came as soon as the looting stopped. We took over a former kebab and falafel shop. We have our own security and armed guards for our food shipments." On further questioning he stated that they wanted to be early, as they missed the boat by two months in Belgrad.

"The big issue here is Coke vs. Pepsi for the next months."

Davenport, IA -- Farmer becomes expert on animals in the Southern hemisphere and equatorial animals.

Ed McBride can name only five of the common birds in Iowa, but he can now accurately identify 90% of the tropical birds. In addition he knows all about the behavior of platypus, the blue tailed day gecko, sea turtles and the rare bongo.

Ed watches and tapes all nature programs on satellite TV. If there is none playing, he will seek a program in a foreign language on the subject.

"Martha and I went to Mexico once, but I really wanted to go to Belize. I hope to retire there and become a volunteer nature guide. My dream is to some day see and hear all the howler monkeys."

Ed only farms crops, so he does not know cows, chickens and pigs very well.

Springville, UT – Mayor Francis Michelsen foils atheist plan.

The local atheists, with Edna Valhalla as the behind the scenes force, have attempted five times to register a group to take care of collecting trash along Interstate 15. “They have attempted to disguise themselves as Rainbow Scouts, Birdwatchers, High School band boosters, history buffs, you name it. I always see through their plan. We can’t have them infiltrating our community with some atheist agenda as the ultimate goal.” The atheist spokesman, Brian Loki, stated that “we just wanted to find some meaningful activity for our youth. But the mayor wants them to continue throwing beer bottles and cans out car windows.”

Cincinnati, OH – Retiree takes up hobby of sitting.

Retiree Fred Lincoln purchased a Coleman camping chair and has been sitting on street corners on quiet weekday mornings. “Too much pollution onSaturdays,” said Fred. He brings water and sits an hour each at a selection of ten corners along Reading Road. “I have a spare seat in the back seat of the car in case someone comes along and wants to sit with me.” Hours and locations, with principal events (fire trucks etc.) are noted in Fred’s sitting log book.

Crawford, Texas -- President gets God’s backing.
All through the Iraq war, President Bush has prayed for God’s guidance. He was informed when bunker buster bombs were launched and prayed for God’s guidance of guided missiles on three occasions.
The president also prayed for guidance and words of comfort for the families of those killed in the God supported mission against evil. "America mourns those who have been called home, and we pray that their families will find God's comfort and God's grace," Bush said.

Copyright Esa Tero Järvi 2003

used by permission

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